The Reformed Church of Drysound

When right hand religeons just wont cut it, we, as "Drysoundians" are terrified by the very thought of Drysound and his very dry ways. Our mission as Drysoundians is to keep Drysound from reincarnating into another form of life and destroying life as we know it by sacrificing virgin cantaloupes in his name. This is the story of Drysound and the heroes who smited him and his followers.

Drysound has been watching over humanity for ages, killing the innocent with his dry ways. Only one person has ever seen the mighty Drysound in it's true form. And that is the mighty Barry himself, manifested into the human form of a small child with a craving for the destruction of crappy edm. When the Almighty Barry had vanquished Drysound in the summer of 69' by the Five Years' Revolt of the Unholy French Latte, Drysound was cast into the pits of eternal trap. In the pits of eternal trap, Drysound changed. He absorbed the power of trap and grew twelvefold his original size. Under the influence of his power, he named himself Porphroid. By the time Drysound had made his existential metamorphosis into the uber-force Porphroid, it was the year 2012 of our father Mitt Romney. Now, Barry was lying low as an official cosplayer. Porphroid rose out of the pits of eternal trap, destroying what was known as New York by a devastating force known as Hurricane Sandy. He claimed the city as his own, naming it TrapVille. When Barry got news of the tragedy, he leaped into action. Before he even got one BMO chop on Porphroid, Barry was slapped by Porphroid's bass, sent flying across New York. He now knew what he had to do. He assembled a team of mighty heroes, known by their codenames: J-Money, Brovo, Ross, Juan Valdez, Higgy Higgy and Ian Smith. They were a mighty team known as the "Corps of Discovery". They teamed up and morphed into the Power Rangers Megazord. Despite their best attempts, Porphroid powered up the bass cannon and fired on the Megazord. The team was down. They had to summon their inner spirit powers. Ian Smith called upon the powers of Shrek, Brovo called upon the powers of hipster scum, Ross called upon the power of Barry, Juan Valdez called upon the powers of Back to the Future 2, Higgy Higgy called upon the powers of budget gaming, and finally, J-Money called upon the powers of swag. All the powers forged a giant super-being the size of eight giant balls of caramel corn stacked on top of each other in a vertical fashion. This super-being was known as Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, Commanding Officer Marine Ground Forces, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. They smited Porphroid into liquid trap, the purest of all unholy sound in the known multiverse. Out of the liquid trap rose Team Crafted, the most infamous overconfident group of internet jocks known to mankind. The leader, BajanCanadian, had the ability to suck in attention from all known life and become stronger and more overconfident by the second. Their army of fangirls was soon to overthrow the newly assembled Empire of the Shining Golden Stallions. The council of The Louisiana Territory, consisting of the seven heroes, had to make a tough decision. They decided to call their forces of brogres and bowling experts to clash with the oncoming hordes of fangirls. By now, Barry was in his older years and no longer fit to serve as President of the Empire of the Shining Golden Stallion. The council chose a new president to rule them all, Oongatoongapoonga, translated to English as "Bane of Homosexuality". With the fangirls approaching fast, Oongatoongapoonga had to act fast. He mounted his steed and headed out as the leading force of the Bowling Brogers. Armed with M4A1s and bumblebee cannons, they seized the fangirl forces by flanking from the Northwest and enslaved their heathen race. When the Brogre Master Race had captured every last fangirl, team crafted was mad and leached. With no fangirls to feed them attention, they were vulnerable. President Oongatoongapoonga drove all the fallen leaders to the edge of the cliff bearing Southeast to the sea border between Africa and the Empire. The Team quickly posted pictures of themselves on Instagram, touched each others' faces sensually, and dove off the cliff. As the President looked off the cliff, he saw trapmist explode on the ground where the team landed. He knew now what their purpose was. The trapmist swirled around in a cylindrical fashion, molding a body of pure ununpentium. It was Walter White the Great Majestic Lion. His recorded words were: "These people died because it made logical sense for them to, but I am here because of your efforts to save mankind." Without the heroes effort, Drysound would have never decomposed into Walter White. And then we wouldn't have sky blue methamphetamine. So thank the heroes daily. They deserve worship for now until the end of time itself. But then… Walter White soon became corrupt with his power. He made tons of tons of sky blue methamphetamine. The world began to drown in methamphetamine. So the leader of the great country Rulehy, Princess SwagHat morphed into Barrack of the Bama and sent the hero, Link, to defeat Walter White. Link arrived in Trapsterworld. The scene of total devastation. People were getting high left and right. Link would have none of it. He grabbed his Kirby and sucked up all the methamphetamine, and Kirby turned into a formula 1 racecar. Link dove into the car where he met Dale Earnhardt Jr. Dale gave Link a nice cold diet Dew. Dale winked, before gracefully sailing into the ozone. As Link took a drink of his diet Dew, he felt empowered by the spirit of Dale, and his car sped up to 6,666,666,666,666,666 mph. He crashed into a small child, and the car bounced off, and Link was instantly warped 7 seconds into the future. Outside of Walter Whites lair, he took one more sip of his Diet Dew. He then proceeded to reverse gyrate inside of the meth lab, where a horde of ravenous penguins ate ice cream shaped like human hearts. They offered some to him, which he gladly accepted. He then told them of his quest to vanquish Walter White. The penguins gave him the blessings of their people, made the quick sacrifice of a dictionary, and sent him on his way. He entered the realm of infinite trap. This would kill most people instantly, but Link wore some Dre Beats and was rocking out to some sick scottish pirate metal. He then proceeded to battle Walter White in the most heated tic tac toe match anyone had ever seen. Link was sweating. He had to win this game. Or he would be shamed. He then placed his X in the perfect victory spot. While Walter was stunned, Link suplexed him through a burning table, and the bell rung, as the announcer called out his victory. Then a Swagger bandito delivered him money and swag, which made all the women in the universe feel extremely attracted to him, and he was immediately swarmed with females. He then jumped on a cat, flew to Hyrule and married the Princess and was a total swagmaster for the rest of his life. But the battle was far from over. Link’s son, Link Jr. had to live in the aftermath of the only world his parents could leave for him. A destroyed one. As the new king, he took responsibility and would attempt to help all scourged by the methamphetamine outbreak. People always said he was much like his father, because he also liked mongooses and devil cake. Soon the penguins came to Link Jr. and delivered his bloodline one last gift. The OBEY hat. It glowed and shone with pure swag. Link Jr. wondered if he should wear it. Swag was the reason his mother met his father, but it could also destroy a persons soul. He chose to not wear the hat. For years the hat was encased in Jell-o, the only material that could contain it’s swag. But one day, a hungry dog ate the jell-o, and swag was released into the air. It embodied itself into a demon, known as the Faggot Baggot. Link Jr. knew what he had to do. He grabbed a ball point pen, drew a happy face on a grenade, and mailed it to Faggot Baggot. Soon he heard a voice, It said: “I’m proud of you, son.” Written by: Jared Brock & Tyler Guhl